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Ancient Goddess Barbie

The Ancient Goddess Barbie: Historical views from the year 5000

BY: Link (Author's Note: Read this only if you consider laughter a sincere form of worship!)

In the year 5000, historians will seek to patch together traces of the past, to discover what life was like in today's current era. Here's one humorous view of what they might find:

We are proud to announce that archaeologists have made a major discovery explaining religious practice in the 1990's, over three thousand years ago!

These discoveries help us better understand the myths and traditions which have been handed down over the years, and still survive today within the popular cult of the Goddess Barbie. This tradition is one of the fastest growing groups of modern-day Goddess worship.

Archaeologists have discovered that Barbie worship dates back to ancient times. Figures of the Goddess Barbie have been unearthed, preserved in nearly pristine state. It seems that ancient worshippers made their images of Barbie in a material known as plastic. It was known at the time that plastic did not decay to the elements over time and was nearly everlasting! Because of this, it is obvious to our research team that those items made of plastic were held in the highest regard by the ancient culture of the 1990's. They surely wanted to preserve these items for eternity!

Research shows that ancient priestesses of Barbie were initiated at a very young age. The initiation ceremony involved a complex litany which lasted several weeks, usually prior to the Winter Solstice. Young daughters would chant at length to their parents, repeating over and over the praises of Barbie, stating their desires for the Goddess to enter their lives. While these chants varied from priestess to priestess, the words "I Want" are common to many of the evocations. Later, after initiation, additional chants focused on a wide variety of magical tools and altar accessories used by the Goddess Barbie in Her temple.

Images of the Goddess Barbie show Her in many aspects. For example, She was portrayed as a Solar Deity in Her Malibu Barbie aspect. This explains the modern-day custom of Barbie worshippers donning colored glasses and anointing themselves with special protective lotions to celebrate the Summer Solstice! It is known that ancient religions sometimes masked their Deities within the Saints of ancient Catholicism. Researchers are certain this explains the name used for an ancient west coast village known as Santa Barbara, perhaps a Mecca for Barbie worshippers.

Each Barbie figurine also held strange numerical markings, $24.99. This explains the current custom where Barbie worshippers tattoo themselves with this number! It was obviously the number most sacred to the Goddess. The $ symbol was used in many ways by the ancient culture, and was considered both a scourge and salute to religious society.

It was also discovered that ancient Barbie had a consort known as Ken. Close examination of plastic Ken figures explain why today's modern Barbie worshippers allow only eunuchs to participate in religious rites, with no other males allowed. Since many fewer Ken figures were found, we can assume that the ancient Barbie worshippers were a matriarchal tradition.

Our team of linguistic researchers have determined through study of the ancient language that Ken was renowned in many parts of the world. This explains the origins of ancient places like Kenya, Kentucky and even the variation of Canada. An in-depth study of the Ken mythos also links Him to the ancient clan known as Kennedy. Note the amazing facial similarities! Stories surrounding this ancient Kennedy cult seem to be a unique mixture of the "slain God" stories (similar to the Egyptian Osiris) and the revelry of the Roman Bacchus. This seems to fit all three aspects of the Triple Kennedy myth.

Other research shows a related figure, an ancient warrior God known as GI Joe. Since GI Joe had no known female consort, and was also a eunuch, it is obvious that both Joe and Ken competed for the Goddess Barbie. One theory links this to the surviving Oak King/Holly King myths of earlier times.

Researchers also uncovered other mythical characters, known as Shakespeare, Einstein, Gandhi, and Ralph Nader. But since the ancient culture held these in much lower relative importance than Barbie, they obviously were mere minor demigods of the era. We are thrilled to have discovered these Old ways, since they shed light upon many unexplained traditions of today. We can use this clear view of history to put our present-day customs in perspective!

After this significant success in discovering the ancient Barbie myths, our archaeological efforts have been approved for additional funding to research the ancient Ninja Turtle myths as well. Since many plastic artifacts of the Ninja Turtles have been found in North America, perhaps they are linked to the ancient Native American cultures of Turtle Island? Only time will tell.


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